[Last Wednesday, I presented a slide show at Invite Them Up, and I have converted it to BLOG-FORM for your enjoyment.]

If you are reading this website then you must love comedy. And if you love comedy, then you most definitely love comic strips. That is why they are called the funny pages, because each page of them is so funny. Many people do not know this, but comic strips are the purest form of humor. All other media for jokes (stand-up, television, film, novel, satire, props, clown wrestlers) are comic strips remixed and watered down, presented in a way that only ever serves to remind me to go read some cartoons.

My favorite strip is Pluggers. Each day, this single panel cartoon presents a typical plugger situation. The reason it is so good is because it is almost entirely nonsensical. Do you know what a plugger is? Me neither. I have read many of the strips and I am still not quite able to figure out what is going on with them. There are no rules to being a plugger. Some days, all pluggers might love melted ice cream, who knows. It’s a crap shoot except not wild at all. What’s sort of clear is that pluggers are if white lower middle class people were aging animals? I guess. Click through to see me try to work it all out, with examples. It is thorough.

See? We’ve all been there. The great thing about pluggers is that while they don’t have to tighten their drawstrings, they sometimes choose to. Rarely, though, because their fat keeps their shorts up. You’ve done it again, fat.

A plugger’s happy with what they’ve got. They wouldn’t even think of wanting more. In fact, if that show called them up and was like “do you want a million dollars?” they’d probably say no for fear of being thought of as uppity. Way to plug.

Who doesn’t love chocolate! Sometimes, someone will bring in chocolates at work, and I’ll get so excited I’ll have my period. “Get those away from me” I find myself saying after I’ve eaten all of them.

Two important plugger facts: pluggers love comfort foods and are very thrifty. Who needs to treat your wife to dinner when you can just eat samples? Just because it’s her one night off from the kitchen doesn’t mean you have to throw money down the bathtub.

While pluggers are cheap, they will spare absolutely no expense on sheds. We’ve all been there. Wait, what? I feel plugged.

PLUGGERS LOVE HATS. Oh my god how they love hats. Nothing has value to them except their hats. (And their sheds.) I could show twenty strips just about hats.

Again, huh? I think this means that plugger jewelry is always shaped liked eggs. Or that they wear eggs as disposable jewelry. I don’t know. If everyone knew exactly what a plugger was all about we’d all have a popular daily comic strip, wouldn’t we.

Such a fascination with eggs? Craziness. It seems pluggers go nuts for extra fetal protein they weren’t expecting. (There are a lot of exciting words in that last sentence.)

LOL, who needs a facility where you are given proper medical care along with help eating and living well, right? Bring on the diabetes. Pluggers live hard and go blind before they die. Hilarious.

Oh man, their bodies are deteriorating. Can’t stop chuckling.

Pluggers sacrifice beauty just so chemicals can keep their hearts pumping in defiance of God’s will. Lovin’ it.

Hardy, hardy, it’s not like their rotting brains could remember their friends’ and families’ faces anyhow.

As I hope you can tell, Pluggers is very unsettling and has a creepy vein of intolerance and stubbornness running through it. So I decided to make some Pluggers strips of mine of my own. Feel free to use them, Genius-Who-Draws-Pluggers!

(Huh? Everybody wants peace in the Middle East. Except terrorists. Are pluggers terrorists? Maybe.)