(This post might be not safe for work if the way you read blogs at work is by shouting them. Also if you are my mom don’t read this.)

Every week I host a podcast for a television network’s website where I make jokes about dumb TV shows. As it is just for the Internet and the Internet is a no man’s land where anything goes and every man is the king of his own castle.com, I don’t really pay attention to the appropriateness of what I say. I am aware the editor will bleep me if I say fuck, but that’s fine; I try not to work blue anyhow. But one week I had an entire joke based around the word choad and the editor bleeped it and it ruined my really smart and brilliant joke about CHOAD RED or whatever. When I asked him why, he told me it is not the network or iTunes that cares, but cell phone companies.

Apparently lots of media companies sell their web video to cell phone carriers so that people can also watch these videos on their phones because what’s cooler than hearing jokes on your phone about a TV show you don’t care about. Synergy, more like funergy, right. And because “mobile content networks” don’t want the FCC regulating them, they have come up with their own super strict set of rules for content. Like if you point at a breast, they won’t buy the clip. And penis is OK, but choad is not, as apparently in Verizon or Sprint’s fantasy PG-rated world all penises are longer than they are wide and they don’t want to hear anything different. “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CHOAD. END OF STORY.”

I was talking to a friend about this who happens to work at a different media company, and he knew all about it. In fact, he even had the list of standards from the cell phone networks that says what can absolutely not go in any content you sell to them. He was nice enough to send it to me. It basically makes humor impossible. It might as well say “Do not point out a truth in a way that makes light of a situation, nor should you “kid” or “fib” in a way that people might enjoy. This is offensive.” Here’s the inappropriate content list:

• Alcoholic beverage-related (i.e., beer, wine, liquor, etc.).
• Tobacco-related (i.e., cigarettes, cigars, pipes, chewing tobacco, etc.).
• Guns/weapons-related (i.e., firearms, bullets, etc.).
• Illegal drugs-related (i.e., marijuana, cocaine, etc.).
• Sexual-related (i.e., adult themes, sexual activities, pornography, etc.).
• Crime-related (i.e., organized crime, notorious characters, etc.).
• Violence-related (i.e., physical harm or pain, torture, etc.).
• Profanity-related (i.e., offensive words, phrases, images, etc.).
• Dehumanizing-related (i.e., degrading, abuse, humiliating, etc.).
• Death-related (i.e., funeral homes, mortuaries, etc.).
• Hate-related (i.e., racial, religious, ethnic, etc.).
• Gambling-related (i.e., casinos, lotteries, etc.).
• Illegal-related (i.e., violates, or promotes the violation of, any criminal law, etc.).

It is definitely inappropriate to talk about pipes, funeral homes and lotteries. Lotteries? “There is no such thing as death or chance in fantasy cellphone land. Everyone lives forever and just works hard and gets exactly what they have earned but they don’t work too hard because that is also offensive. End of story.” Also, notorious characters? It is not cool to make jokes about the Coyote, either from Road Runner or the Native American trickster. Both are up to no good.

Then there are the 20 LEVEL 0 WORDS that you absolutely can’t say.  These are a doozy. I guess most of them make sense, but it is such an abbreviated list that it’s crazy some of the stuff they’ve decided must be on there. For example, both cornhole AND corn-hole?? What? “Don’t try to get away with any funny business by hyphenating these cusses you clearly use every day such as cornhole. We are onto you. The words corn and hole shouldn’t even be heard within 30 seconds of each other in your videos.”  They list fuck and fucking, but only shit, so I guess shitting is OK, but you definitely can’t say “Al Capone loved shitting in mortuaries” because yikes. Sit on my face: such a weird and specific imperative. Fornicate: don’t even mention how babies are made unless it is just pointing at the sky and then flapping your arms. Clit: there are no sensitive parts of a woman’s body, definitely not. The only way they feel pleasure is when we feel pleasure.

But the kicker is Ruby Red Bag. Holy amazing. I had never in my life heard anyone use that ever. Cell phone companies are so so afraid of sacs. How did they ever think that the use of the phrase Ruby Red Bag was so rampant and offensive that it needed to be promoted to a Level 0? (I bet they call Level 0 words something funny like “donuts” around the office. Those guys have fun.)

And ruby red bag is so specific and graphic. I just imagine this insane repressed guy at the meeting (because all the cell phone companies had a meeting) starting in on a breathy, stuttered monologue about how the audience out there can surely handle hearing about testicles, but definitely can not handle hearing how they get after sex, that’d it just be too much for the audience and the audience would surely explode, to know testicles when they are freshly wet with dew and pulsating hypnotically, almost commanding you, and you can’t help yourself, to reach out and grab that piping-hot sac like you would a precious, precious ruby.  I bet that guy was so good at describing sacs. Like crazy good. Like he got promoted to Director of Ways to Describe Sacs immediately.